Kevin Hart done stirred some shit up on the internets again with his recent television series delving into the world of him cheating on his then pregnant wife Eniko Hart. On a recent episode of The Real, Loni Love, in response to something Joe Budden said may have put her foot in her mouth by suggesting that a lot of black men don’t know how to be faithful because of slavery.
“I do think that a lot of Black men, they really don’t know how to have true, faithful relationships,” she said. “They think because they have money, they have power, that they can treat women any kind of way.”
When fellow co-host Adrienne Bailon attempted to suggest that the issue of cheating is across the board, Loni Love went all in, backing her point with history.
“What is happening is that we are still dealing with the point of slavery,” Loni continued. “And we are descendants of slavery and because our families were broken up, we still do not have an idea of how to have togetherness because our families were broken up.”
Now y’all know there are a number of arguments being posited against what she’s saying ranging from “nah you ain’t pick the right one” to “that’s a boy’s mentality” to “if a man cheats its because he wants to”. Charlamagne tha God offered his two cents stating that cheating is done from a position of wanting to feel better and boost the ego. He further concluded that when a man grows he stops desiring to do so.
Now I’m not here to argue politics or morals but I am here to offer a different perspective.
If we exclude hereditary patterning, cultural practices and trauma for a few moments, we recognize that many of our societies current standards around monogamy only evolved about 1000 years ago. Evolutionarily speaking that’s a super short time and research suggests it largely evolved to protect offspring. Additional research suggests it came about as a means to consolidate wealth amidst growing agricultural and pastoral practices in human society.
Long story short we decided at some point forming pairs made more sense for everyone to survive long term. However given its recentness, this change hasn’t quite made it to the DNA level just yet and is on the societal level of acceptance.
Monogamy therefore is one of many pairing choices and sometimes its not an easy one to make. For some it goes against the fabric of their DNA and modelling. While for others its more natural and they have modelling and coping mechanisms necessary to make it work.
So what’s my stance on the issue of cheating?
While science is in favor of us having multiple sexual pairings over the course of our lives and makes it plausible for a man, woman and everyone in between to desire such pairings, the issue is not trauma nor nature, nurture or anything like that.
The issue is a violation of contract and trust. That comes from being untrue to the self as well as the person you are in a relationship with. When a person cheats they are stepping outside of the bounds of an agreement they set forth with another person and are trying to finesse a condition that they know wouldn’t fly under normal circumstances.
This damages the relationship bond. Monogamous or Poly amorous pairings still require an agreement on the part of the parties involved to work. That’s just the nature of relating.
If a person is at a point in their life where they want multiple partners, then that should be expressed up front so the partners can opt for whether they wish to continue in relationship with this individual. And if the individual is poly amorous they should be clear in the expression of their desire to be so, that way any potential partner knows what they are signing up for.
So to consolidate their point and mine…
Due to the traumatic events of slavery and break down in familial structure, the idea of maintaining a bond is not one that is readily nurtured in our community (and others but that’s for another day). However it is the responsibility of the individual to grow and develop said communication and bonding skills as this is the information age and what you don’t know can be learned.
When Loni Love says that “we still do not have an idea of how to have togetherness because our families were broken up,” that is simply an excuse. Grow up. Say what you want!
Image credit: Frazer Harrison / Staff | Getty Images North America
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