As people we want more than to just be ‘heard’. While we can meet most of our basic needs on our own, we still search for something more than we can achieve on our own, that which can only be experienced within a relationship. Components of psychological and emotional evolvement require interpersonal relationships with a significant other and there are certain things a partner has to bring to the table to make sure we get our needs met.
We organically desire our needs to be met by our partner. While that may seem a little daunting, for some this is a welcoming part of being in a relationship, to see if we can meet another’s needs and hopefully they are willing to help us meet ours. We are human and hopefully our needs are healthy & mature, but let’s be realistic, sometimes those needs may be from our childhood. How badly do we need, how deep is our desire for getting those needs met and when they are met are we then over those needs?
I would hope that my next partner would be able to embrace all those parts of me not just the adult in me, but those places in me that are maturing and on a continual letting go process of that which is/was the past.
Building a solid foundation would require accepting those parts of me as well as my embracing all of what makes up my partner, which is why I was attracted to and loved in the first place.
Sometimes I just want to curl up and be held. Sometimes a guy or man does, too. Maybe you’re that guy and want your back massaged and your partner wants her feet rubbed. Maybe what you need and I need are equally important. Can we find a way to meet them without minimizing each other?
There’s a natural part of us that wants to give of ourselves to ‘make them happy’. While we can only enhance that quality or add to, we cannot ultimately ‘make’ that person happy, but there is no harm in giving what most human beings need.
If you wanted a hug, do I say, “Oh not now”, yet if your children come up to you and ask you to give them one you give freely, even when you’re tired. So look at what you’ve just done? Or a better question is why did you withhold it from your partner? Push them away? What about a request for a kiss or a gentle touch of the hand? Are you resentful? If you are exhausted, depleted, then that is the one of the first communications you need to express when you first come home or are calling ahead to spend time with your ‘special someone’. That way no one feels hurt, rejected or misunderstood.
Hopefully there is enough strength and a solid foundation between you and your partner that there’s room for these times. We all want to be understood and respected and the receiving of communication is in the delivery. How do we communicate those needs? Do we demand or can we request without it? Much will depend on your delivery as to how it’s received. This is where a healthy ego for boundaries and asserting what we are requiring is best delivered. Our egos can get in the way if we let it. IF both partners are receptive and know how to communicate as well as listen, you have a much better chance and a greater success for building a deepening relationship.
I need my cup of coffee with a lot of (latte) milk – so unless you are talking to a wall, you’re in a dance with your partner. Remember you are on the same team, you are responsible to engage in not only communication but interaction – it’s about having fun while exploring your relationship needs.
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