Is Love Supposed To Hurt??? Why We Need To End The Fascination With Struggle Love

Is love supposed to hurt??? Long answer is sometimes it hurts but that should not be intentionally.
The short answer is no!

Sometimes when you fall in love with someone they may do things that hurt you, like telling you, you put on a few pounds. That is a difficult conversation to have with someone you care about because on one hand you are being honest, but on the other hand, it’s a sensitive topic that can hurt your partner’s feelings.

There are many things love is, but also, many things love isn’t. When a person cheats on you multiple times and justifies it by saying, “but I love you,” that is not love. Cheating is premeditated, and if cheating becomes an option for you, there’s intent to hurt behind it.

We live in a society where people tell this story that love hurts. Love absolutely does not hurt and if it does, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your definition of love and how you experience it in a relationship.  There have been celebrity couples in the media whose love stories we’ve been able to watch unfold. We witnessed their struggle love and society has used that term to define a ride or die relationship. I am sorry. To each his own, but metaphorically speaking, I like to cruise in a car top down bumping some Jazmine Sullivan, I, by no means, want to crash and burn while doing so.

A lot of people define love by how much you are willing to put up with in a relationship. I am sorry baybee, but that type of love is played out. You mean to tell me in order to be loved, I have to endure years of pain and suffering and stand by you until I get pinned my honor of loyalty? << Insert eye roll

Where do we learn how to love and how to be in relationships?

Well, researchers share that we first learn about love and relationships based off of when we are infants and witness models of love from parents through what is called attachment styles. Secure attachment and other attachment styles state that we learn about relationships based on the very first relationships we experience as children with our caretakers. Although that is one theory, there are always experiences. So for example, I can have an avoidant style of attachment as a child but grow into adulthood with a secure attachment because I have experienced healthy ways to love and build relationships.

How do we break the habit of struggle love? Well if you learn to love yourself and understand your self worth you will learn what the definition of love is. At times when people enter a relationship and they do not love themselves, it is difficult to display love to others because insecurity and low self esteem will project hurt on to others. When guiding my client’s through break ups, I always say, you cannot teach someone to love you if they do not know how to love themselves. I hear people say, “but maybe if I change he will love me.” That statement actually does the opposite. Instead of focusing on what you need to do to be loved by someone, focus on what you need to do to provide love for yourself. Your partner will either learn how to love you from how you love yourself or they will leave knowing they cannot provide the love you give to you! Either way it’s a win win!

As the cuffing season comes to an end and we start drafting during the summer. It is so important to go into this season loving yourself and realizing that you are the standard. Once you become confident in your love, you will attract those that understand that you won’t settle for less than what you give to you!


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Monique Mighty

Monique Mighty was born in St. Catherine Jamaica, raised in New Jersey, and currently resides in Brooklyn, NY. She obtained her masters degree in Social Work from Fordham University and is a Licensed Social Worker practicing psychotherapy. She is passionate about mental health issues particularly in minority communities. Currently, Monique loves to inform and educate folks about Mental health topics as well as topics relative to current events. Check out her Instagram for Mental Health facts in her highlights @iammoniquemighty

Monique Mighty has 4 posts and counting. See all posts by Monique Mighty


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