~ Finding Love After Divorce ~
You lay awake at night staring haplessly at the ceiling. You feel like your life is a wreck, disorganized, rudderless and empty. The thought of love and happiness are now just gratuitous dreams that will never be fulfilled. For the first time you conscientiously acknowledge that you are divorced. The man or woman that once held your love are gone. It’s quite possible they are also staring at a similar ceiling…somewhere, out there.
As you continue to lay motionless, you now realize that you are truly alone.
It’s a cold place. A real place. A bad space.
At some point during or after your divorce, you will eventually pick yourself up and move forward with connecting to the outside world. Those first steps are difficult enough, however, the prospect of dating again could be daunting. Interestingly, statistics show that 75 percent of divorced people get married again within five years. That’s because, at heart, most of us are still true believers in the idea of love. We inherently believe that we can “get it right” the second time. When you finally decide to pursue a new relationship, there are important questions you should examine before beginning this next phase of your life.
How do I trust again?
Why should I trust again?
Can I trust again?
Those are key questions. But I recommend starting with one question, “Am I truly ready for a relationship?”
Being “ready” involves some important factors. First of all, you need to be sure that you are completely over your ex spouse. Depending on whether or not you are the one that filed for divorce, it’s possible that you still harbor feelings for your ex. It’s critical that you work through those feelings first. You do not want to cheat future lovers of a genuine opportunity to connect with you. Even if you were treated unfairly in your last marriage, it’s not right to take that out on unsuspecting potential partners.
Next, you must be totally honest with yourself that you are ready for “dating after divorce” or what I call the “divorce-after-life”. If you have any hesitation or uncertainty, then you must continue the emotional healing process before you can start pursuing a new relationship.
Here are five important steps to Finding Love after Divorce
Step One – Bury the Bones in your Closet. Over the course of a marriage, it’s understandable that one has accumulated a stash of skeleton bones. These bones can range from deep dark secrets to video, pictures, clothing, gifts, etc. It’s important that any remnants of your past relationship are buried and forgotten. Remember, your old life is gone… and even small mementos of it should be thrown far away, and never considered.
Step Two – Get your Money Right. Divorce can be difficult on your finances. However, you need to organize your financial situation before you allow someone into your new life. The last thing you want to communicate to a future partner is a level of desperation or dependency. Remember, no romance without finance. Get your money right, before you start dating again.
Step Three – Learn from the Past… Don’t Relive it. It’s a do-over’! This is your chance to use the difficult experience of a previous marriage and apply it to a new, fresh relationship. Take time to think over everything that went wrong. The nagging, missed opportunities, horrible moments, etc. Use them as “lessons learned” to guide you in your new relationship. Remember, if you don’t learn from the past, then your destined to repeat it.
Step Four – Spend Quality Time with Your Kids. If you have kids, they must be afforded all of the love and support you can give them. Do not deny them access to you and your heart. Like you, they have suffered as stakeholders in your divorce. Make sure to start a routine that includes regular quality time with your children. However, do not introduce them to your new partner (s) until you are confident that the relationship has potential.
Step Five- Start Moving. Once you ‘ve addressed steps 1-4, it’s time to move forward. It’s now time to take the critical step to make “dating after divorce” a reality. You have to make yourself accessible, go to clubs, sports bars, events, church, etc. Find places where the opposite sex (or same sex) are present and begin mingling and socializing. You can’t win a game if you’re not playing it.
So get out there and be ready to meet new people to help you with finding love after divorce.
Remember, your new life has already been determined… now seize it!
Image Credit: Micah & Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash
